


constant

by rosereddoors



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, F/F, Rilaya, cursing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7196303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosereddoors/pseuds/rosereddoors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some days she feels everything at once. It’s like every emotion is overflowing and overwhelming her senses; anger, frustration, and everything in between. Other days she feels nothing at all and she doesn’t know what’s worse. </p><p>(or: maya's in love and everything hurts.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	constant

The first time Maya Hart realizes what she feels for Riley Matthews she’s 12 years old. Everyone in their grade is stressed about boys, and dates, and kissing and Maya doesn’t understand what all the hype is about. As long as she has Riley she doesn’t see a need for much else. 

It happens on a Saturday, one of their weekend hang outs that always ends in Maya spending the night, she no longer has to ask. Maya is sprawled out across Riley’s bed, Riley’s head resting against her stomach. They’re supposed to be picking out a movie to watch but instead have found themselves in this position for the past 30 minutes. No sound between them but the quiet humming of some song that has been stuck in Riley’s head all day.

The sunlight filtering through the bay window is hitting her at just the right angle; her tan skin turning a golden hue and Maya feels like she can’t breathe.

“Peaches, where do you think we go when we die?” 

Maya takes a second to compose herself, trying to will her heart to stop beating so fast; it feels like it’s going to fall out of her chest.

“D’know, I try not to think about it too much, weirds me out.”

Riley slowly nods her head, “I think there might be a heaven, least I hope so. If there is it’s definitely gonna rain there.”

Maya’s eyebrows furrow, “What makes you say that? Shouldn’t heaven be like constant sun with rainbows and unicorns and all that?’”

“I think everybody’s heaven is a little different. I mean I’m guessing whatever made Earth can afford to personalize the place we go after it right? So my heavens gonna have rain. Rain and you.”

Maya beams at that grabbing Riley’s hand and lacing their fingers, “You’re in my heaven too Riles. Just you.” 

***

The years following Maya’s revelation pass by quickly and before she knows it, they’re both 16 and nothing has really changed. Maya is still so far gone for this girl and Riley is still completely unaware of it. 

By now Maya’s pretty sure that everyone but Riley has caught on, but there’s never a discussion about it. Just sad glances sent Maya’s way or a quick, “I’m sorry.” From Farkle whenever Riley goes on about Charlie or Lucas or anyone else. And Maya’s used to it so she simply says, “It’s okay. It’s okay. Its okay.” like some sort of sick mantra. She figures if she says it enough, she’ll start to believe it.

***

Riley’s personality is electric, it’s beaming, it draws people in. Maya’s always known that and for years she was lucky enough to keep it to herself. She always knew the day would come when that would change, but back then it didn’t matter. They were MayaandRiley a package deal; they were all that the other needed.

Every day Maya would climb through the bay window, and each time she left she felt recharged. Riley’s electricity was all hers to have, all hers to thrive off of, until it wasn’t anymore.

By now, Maya knew the drill. It was homecoming, the first dance of the year and it seemed as if everyone Riley had ever even looked at wanted to take her. Maya didn’t blame them they were simply realizing what she had known all along.

Riley decides to go with Lucas, because of course, why wouldn’t she? It’s then that Maya decides not to go at all.

***  
She’s standing by the lockers after class one day when it happens. Riley’s words are rushed in the adorable way they always are when she just can’t contain herself. Her voice drips like honey and for a second Maya doesn’t register what she’s saying, too focused on the fact that she’d like to drown in the sound.

“He kissed me! We’ve kissed before but this was different, we kissed Maya. And he said he wants me to be his girlfriend!”

Maya tries to brighten up the dull look that’s coating her face, tries to do something other than stand there with her lips pressed tight together because she knows what this must feel like to Riley.

Riley’s practically floating and all Maya can do is look at her, what kind of best friend is she?

The words she wants to say are suffocating her from the inside out but she pushes them aside anyway because this is Riley, she needs to be what Riley needs, because if she isn’t then what’s left of her to be?

So she swallows the lump slowly climbing up her throat and pushes out what Riley needs to hear, “I’m so happy for you honey, that’s great.” If Riley notices something’s off, she doesn’t say anything.

***  
The next day she doesn’t go to school, she turns off her phone and hides under the covers. 

She doesn’t want to, she wants to talk to Riley but she can’t, she can’t, and she feels sick thinking about it. 

At this point the ache filling her gut feels permanent so she does the only thing she can think of, she breaks.

The pain comes out like an uproar from her throat in the form of a silent scream. Sobs punch through, ripping against her muscles, bones, guts; everything spilling out at once. 

Her breathing is ragged, gasping, and the strength leaves her legs. She sinks to her knees; cries for everything she’s ever felt since she was 12 years old. She cries until all that’s left is bloodshot eyes, blotchy skin, and a hole that only Riley can fill.

***

“Y’know Maya, Lucas was telling me that Issac from his chemistry class was asking about you the other day.” 

They’re sitting at the Matthews dinner table, and Riley is looking at her like that piece of information is the most important thing she’s ever said. 

Maya nods and takes a bite of her salad, Riley taking that as her cue to continue.

“I was thinking we could totally double date together! How great would that be? And I’m sure he’ll love you even more once he meets you, who wouldn’t? You’re the best.”

She knocks their shoulders together and Maya stifles a sad chuckle at that because, she loves her, God she loves her but how can she be so oblivious?

She chokes out a quiet, “Hm.” And leaves it at that.

The second Maya turns towards her she regrets it. The look of sad confusion written on her face is enough to break her heart.

Riley locks their fingers together underneath the table, trying to communicate with her eyes that they need to talk. Maya knows that look, knows every look she’s ever given her by heart, but she chooses to ignore it. Instead focusing intensely on the story Auggie’s telling about his day.

***  
For the first time since Maya can remember, she doesn’t want to be here. The Matthews home has always been a safe haven for her, and now she can’t leave fast enough. She’ll do anything to avoid Riley at this point so instead of some much needed bay window time with her best friend, she volunteers to help Topanga with the dishes while Riley does homework. 

The second the two are alone at the sink Maya regrets her decision. Topanga is looking at her with sad knowing eyes and Maya is so tired. 

“So what’s going on?” Topanga places a comforting hand on her shoulder as she talks and Maya would rather be anywhere than in this moment.

Maya goes stiff, plasters a smile on her face, and shrugs her shoulders in what she hopes comes off as lighthearted. “Nothing. Why do you ask?” 

“Maya I know.”

Goosebumps rise on her arms, “I don’t get what you mean.”

The second Topanga pulls her in for a hug, her eyes brim with tears. “Sweetheart I’ve watched you love her for years.”

Maya feels like she’s choking, can’t get air into her lungs. She says nothing, simply stands there being held, because- what else can she do? Riley isn’t hers anymore; these days she wonders if she ever really was at all.

***  
The days go on, the months go on, Maya goes on. She watches Riley with Lucas and the closer they get, the further she finds herself from Riley. Each day they’re apart her light gets dimmer, she doesn’t have her power source, she feels like her chest is going to cave in, and she doesn’t even care. And how fucked up is that? She doesn’t care. 

Some days she feels everything at once. It’s like every emotion is overflowing and overwhelming her senses; anger, frustration, and everything in between. Other days she feels nothing at all and she doesn’t know what’s worse. 

***

Maya rarely finds herself at school these days because at this point she doesn’t feel a need to be there; she doesn’t feel needed anywhere lately. 

She spends the day stuck on her art but that turns out to be no distraction from what’s really on her mind. All she can seem to paint are brown eyes and golden hued skin. 

***  
She learns about the breakup through Farkle. A quick sentence uttered in a phone call.

“Maya, they’re done. And- I think she knows. I don’t know how, but she does.”

It takes a second for Maya to register what she’s just been told. Her face washes blank with confusion as if her brain can’t turn fast enough to take in the information. Every muscle in her body freezes, a complete shock to her system.

All she can do is hang up the phone. No response seems like enough to convey what she’s feeling. 

She can feel her hands shaking and she doesn’t know what to do about it. It’s like her body has completely forgotten how to function. The only thing on her mind being, Riley Riley Riley, her one constant.

She slides down her bedroom wall placing her head in her hands, how did she get here?  
***

To say that Maya’s surprised when one determined Riley Matthews barges through her bedroom door at 12:03 A.M. on a Thursday is an understatement. 

It’s storming outside for the first time in months and Riley’s soaked but from the way she’s looking at Maya it’s as if she doesn’t even notice. 

Riley simply stares at her, as if expecting her to have any idea what she’s supposed to say in this situation.

“Where are you Maya?” Riley’s voice sounds so broken, so confused, and Maya can’t believe she’s the cause of it.

There’s a lump in her throat, her ears ringing. She clenches her fists so hard that her nails bite into her palm. 

“I’m right here.” She says, colored spots forming behind her shut eyelids.

Riley heaves a cold laugh at that, “You know what I mean. Where are you? You’re not yourself. You’re never at school, I hardly see you anymore. Do you know how much that kills me?”

Maya looks up at the ceiling, trying to force her tears to stay where they are. She’s done enough crying to last a lifetime lately. 

“Riles if you broke up with him because of something, I did. It’s not- I’m not worth that. You can choose him, I- I get why you’d choose him.”

Riley crosses the room in a split second “Choose him? Maya what the hell are you talking about? Please tell me you don’t actually think I’d ever want anybody in my life over you.” 

Maya wants to breathe, tries to speak, but she’s stuck.

“Maya, I need you to tell me what you feel.”

Then the fear sets in. Creeping slowly up her spine and in seconds it’s taken over her entire body. The tremor in her voice is too clear to be disguised; Maya Hart is terrified. 

“Whatever you want. Riley I-.”

“No. Not this time Maya, you have to tell me.”

Suddenly, the tears come. They start slow and within a few seconds they’re flowing steadily down her cheeks and dripping from her chin.

“Riley, I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

Slowly, Riley reaches towards her tilting her chin up to face her with a finger, “Peaches please, I just want to know. I need to know.”

Maya wants to scream, wants to leave, and desperately wants to stay. She’s the definition of confliction.

“You turned gold. It was 5:30 and we were laying on your bed, and you turned gold and I couldn’t breathe.” As soon as the first words come out it’s as if the floodgates have opened, she can’t stop. 

“And then we talked about heaven and all I could think was that I only needed you and we were only 12 years old but God, Riles that was all I needed. And I went home that day and sat on my floor and cried because holy shit what was that? You were Riley and then suddenly you were more than that and I felt like I was drowning. And now I’m here and I don’t know what I’m doing, fuck Riley I really really don’t so I need you to tell me what to do.”

There’s a tightness in her throat like she’s never felt before. She’s gasping and Riley’s looking at her and for once Maya doesn’t know it means. She’s lost completely, stepped into uncharted territory and she hates it.

Suddenly Riley is close, closer than normal and the anticipation Maya feels is a nervous kind of energy. It tingles through her like electrical sparks on the way to the ground, gathering in her toes. 

Her hand drifts to her hip and settles there, thumb rubbing against the small patch of skin that can be seen where Maya’s tee shirt has lifted up. 

Riley’s looking down at her with a smile, her lips a deep curve that brings a million memories to the surface in a split second. Maya can’t tell what’s real anymore because Riley’s leaning towards her and then their lips are touching and nothing else matters. 

The kiss obliterates every thought in Maya’s brain. Every worry she has ever felt evaporates like a summer shower onto a hot car. She’s drunk on endorphins, her only desire to touch her, to feel her skin. Instantaneously the warmth coming from Riley courses through her like the water of a river after a storm, filling and emptying her all at once. She feels it in her hands, in her stomach, in her skin. Everything is Riley and nothing hurts.

Maya’s grabs a handful of Riley’s drenched hair, needs something to hold onto, something to ground her to the moment and the kisses become harder, more urgent with each second that passes. She’s pressed against Riley’s front and she’s getting soaked, can’t breathe but she doesn’t care; doesn’t want this to ever stop. The taste of salt on Riley’s lips is the only indication that she’s begun to cry. Riley steps back, presses their foreheads together and thumbs the tears off Maya’s cheeks.

A clap of thunder sounds from the open window of Maya’s bedroom, and Riley chuckles, bringing her in for a soft peck, “Rain and you. I found my heaven.”

And yeah, Maya’s pretty sure she’s found hers too.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! if you have any comments or requests or just wanna talk about rilaya message me at stormstarting.tumblr.com


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